Yesterday I was driving home and as I crossed over Lake Champlain, it was so beautiful I had to stop for photos.
That happens a lot. My phone is filled with photos of the lake: sometimes summer views, with kayakers in the distance under blue skies and cotton ball clouds; or fall views, with orange and red trees lining the shore; or the almost all-white views of gray skies and the icy frozen lake with people ice-fishing or ice skating or playing ice hockey.
This time I was treated to a sunset view with a crescent moon hanging over the frosty lake. I took some photos of the lake and sky, and then, because it was such a beautiful background, some selfies.
I didn’t look at them until I got home, and that’s when I saw that the only good photo of me was blurry.
And I realized that was accurate. I feel blurry. I’m a little fuzzy and undefined.
I’m learning how to be a single parent and a widow, and then I feel weird saying I’m a widow because we were separated, but I am still going through all the widow things: the paperwork, the new responsibilities, the decision-making about everything, the absence of someone I loved and who had been my partner for far longer than we had been separated, and the grief that is always present, sometimes like an annoying humming noise you can’t locate to make it stop, and sometimes like a monster that attacks you without warning.
My old life is fading away, and my future is nebulous. Every new step could keep us moving forward, or sink us. I’m the only parent left. I can’t fuck this up.
Maybe I will get used to this new normal eventually, but I expect I’ll be just out of focus for a long time.
I have every confidence that you won't fuck this up.
You will succeed, because you have the will
You are doing far better than others have, who were in your current situation. I don't know you personally Heather. I only know your written words. I knew Andy since 1978. I know what I have personally been through in my life. And in my darkest hours, I knew that I always had two choices. Quit and give up. Or get back up and move forward. Like me, you have chosen the latter. As hard as it is, you are doing remarkably well. And for what it's worth, I love both photos.