It's too much

What put me over the edge

I discovered how much is too much recently.

I have been managing my grief over Andy’s death and my sorrow that the boys lost their dad so young in life; trying to organize a house and garage and two storage spaces full of 70+ years of stuff Andy had accumulated; figuring out what to keep and what to sell and what to give away; working out the logistics of moving across the country; keeping up with my demanding full-time job; going through probate and slowly working my way through all the death paperwork; and adjusting to being a single parent.

And then I found out that Jackson was being bullied by two classmates and that other classmates had witnessed some of the behavior and ignored it.

I thought I’d been doing okay with it all - up until the day Jackson told me about the bullying. And that day was bad, and the next day when it was investigated was bad; but the day after that, I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to handle it. That was when the dry-heave crying that made my face hurt started and I would do that a few times a day for a couple of weeks.

I’m doing better now, but I am still angry that it happened. I am angry that one of the two boys and his family made no effort to contact Jackson or me to apologize. (One did, and I know this has been a difficult time for them too. I know their apology was sincere.)

I am angry that because of the bullying, Jackson doesn’t feel comfortable being around any of his 15 classmates now (there are 17 kids in the 8th grade including Jackson and Charlie), and that he will not be attending the 8^th grade graduation or the graduation parties or the special events at the end of the year. I’m angry that other parents who must know – because everyone knows everything in this town, except me, because I am new – haven’t made any effort to check in and see how Jackson is doing, or how I am doing. I am angry that losing his dad wasn’t enough, that Jackson had to deal with this too.

Jackson’s grief counselor has told me that he has incredible emotional insight, especially for his age. He is kind and thoughtful and considers other people’s feelings and motivations. And he is doing better now, but it’s just so unfair.

I know 8^th grade sucks for everyone but I wish it could have sucked a little less for him.

Three weeks after I found out about the bullying, we flew to Los Angeles for the A.N.D.Y. show – the celebration that Jim Turner spearheaded and wrangled many of Andy’s friends to help with. And though it was intended to be a celebration about Andy – and it was – it was also solace for me, in seeing how many people loved Andy and how many love us too.

One of my favorite parts of the show was having the boys’ friend Dalya there, sitting between them, all three radiant to be in each others’ company again. And I was surrounded by so many dear friends and family, and in the days that followed we spent time with more people we love and found an apartment (we’ll move into it July) and validated that Los Angeles is our true home.

Just before we left, I’d gone to my doctor to get more anti-anxiety meds because I figured the multiple-times-a-day crying fits were not sustainable, and though the doctor had prescribed lorazepam for me when Andy was in the hospital, she had cautioned me on taking it too frequently. My prescription was for ten pills, and I took three total during the first four months I had the prescription. And over the two weeks since the bullying incident I took four more. So I knew I needed something I could take more frequently instead of the lorazepam; and also, more lorazepam because I only had three left and what if I ended up on another stretch of daily uncontrollable crying?

I picked up the prescriptions just before we left Vermont, but didn’t take them that day. And then I felt pretty good the day we arrived in LA, and each day I felt a little better until I decided I didn’t need those meds after all.

Things are still pretty rough but I feel strong again and I know I’m going to be okay.

And soon, when I have some time, I’ll post more about the A.N.D.Y Show, including some audio and video clips.