Grief

I thought that planning Andy’s memorial service might give me some closure and help me move forward and grieve, but for most of the week I continued working on my every-growing to-do list and plowing ahead.

And then I got the flu, or now I think it was just a cold because the day after the doctor told me it was the flu, I felt a lot better and then the day after that (today) I felt completely fine.

That’s not true.

I felt fine physically.

Okay, that’s not true either.

I felt like I didn’t have a cold or the flu but I did not feel fine physically.

Earlier today I realized that I was trembling and I could see my hand shaking while I tried to stir the leftover mac and cheese I was heating up for the boys for lunch. My heart was racing and I felt like I might pass out. That’s when I realized I was having a panic attack.

But I’ve had a lot of panic attacks in my life and this one was different.

I’ve been reading about grief, trying to figure out what’s wrong with me because I’ve mostly been going on autopilot and just trying to get things done – emphasis on trying, because instead of getting things done I’ve spent a lot of time sleeping too much and not bothering to clean up the house and barely showering. Turns out those are also part of grief. And I’ve learned that sudden deaths are harder to process and leave the survivors in shock and disbelief.

The panic attack was grief, or at least a warning sign that it was on the way.

I took an anxiety med and drank some water and tried to quiet myself down.

Then I finally started organizing and cleaning and helped Jackson bake a cake and I felt the anxiety leave my body. It felt good to be able to focus on tasks.

But after the cake was made and the boys were in their rooms getting ready for bed, I was sitting on my bed scrolling the social media and I saw a video of Andy a friend had posted. And the grief found me and brought its friend anxiety along and they enveloped me in an unwanted group hug.

I sobbed so much my stomach hurt and each time I thought the grief and anxiety had dissipated, I’d feel them surround me again.

I am exhausted from crying.

The boys were in their rooms. I don’t think they heard me.

Until now it’s almost felt like Andy’s just away for a gig or working on a record somewhere. But the grief is living in me now and I know it will find its way to the boys eventually, and I’ll need to summon every bit of strength I have to help them through it.