2025 Anxiety

Yesterday Charlie and I ran some errands together, and today Jackson and I did the same. It’s been nice to have one-on-one time with each of them.

One of the stops Jackson and I made was at Speaking Volumes, which is two stores: a bookstore on one side of the street, and a record store on the other. The stores are owned by Norbert, who Andy had befriended as a regular customer at both stores. Norbert came to Andy’s memorial service in Burlington and told me that he makes homemade coconut macaroons at Christmas, which I knew because Andy had brought them home before, and that I should stop by and get some. He followed up with a text today saying I could stop by anytime.

I went into the record store first, and as I waited in a short line to talk to the cashier, I noticed a case full of signed records on display.

And there was Brian Wilson’s solo album on LP, with a signed note from Andy to one of the other guys who worked there, Winfield.

I teared up and thought I might lose it in the store. And then one of the women in front of me happened to turn around and she looked at me as if she knew me, and I told her she looked familiar, and it turns out I bought a necklace from her at a winter market just before Christmas. So I pushed the grief down and chit-chatted with her.

I didn’t want to start crying in the store but I could have used the cry.

Norbert wasn’t at the record store, so I went to the bookstore and asked for him. The guy at the counter asked if I was Heather. I said I was. He said that Norbert was out but had left macaroons for me, and has he handed them to me, he said, “you got two boxes!” with such enthusiasm it was clear most people only got one.

Jackson and I went to lunch after that. There were some kids at a table near us and Jackson motioned towards them and said something that I couldn’t quite understand – but I did hear him say, “I probably shouldn’t have said that to you.”

Which of course prompted me to press him to tell me what it was.

“I said I don’t want kids,” he told me. “But then I realized you might not like that because you wanted kids.”

He took a beat.

“Did you want kids?”

I told him that yes, I did. I told him how I wanted them for many years before I met Andy, and that I never wanted to have kids on my own…..that I’d always wanted to be married to have kids because I didn’t think I could do it on my own. And sometimes when I told people that, they’d ask: what if something happened to them? And they’d remind me there was still a chance I would end up as a single mom.

As I relayed this to Jackson, it occurred to me that it was kind of awful for people to contemplate my possible future marriage and possible widowhood.

And then I realized that what people had warned me about had happened.

“And here I am,” I told him.

“Yeah,” he said.

“I’ll be okay doing it on my own,” I reassured him.

I told him that I love being a mom, and that if I had never met Andy and never had kids, that would have been a mistake – that I am so lucky to be his mom and Charlie’s mom. I told him that I love seeing who they are becoming and that they are such great kids.

He smiled the little smile he does when he’s both happy and slightly embarrassed at the same time.

I think the crying I stifled today will come back tonight.

I’m partially moved back into the house and tonight will be our second night here and I am going through boxes of stuff and certain items are really getting to me, like old Valentine’s Day cards from me to Andy.

There is also comic relief at times. Inexplicably, Andy had a plastic-y Dianetics poster and since we love to make fun of Scientology (who doesn’t?), the boys got a good laugh out of it and asked if we could keep it.

I think the three of us are going to be okay….eventually. Because I also think 2025 is going to be rough. I don’t think we’ve reached the hard part yet. I am so heartbroken that my kind, sweet, funny boys will have to navigate the minefield of grief.

I hope we find some comfort and peace in 2025, and I hope all of you do too.